I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was