The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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[montage of me giving-up]
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?