“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
couldn’t resist
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol