ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky