The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You Might Also Like
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.