[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’d use my best pan on you.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
termite twitter scares me
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream