I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
You Might Also Like
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that