me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
what does he know…
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.