This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Worth remembering.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago