My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Your secret is safeish with me
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong