I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
You Might Also Like
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.