[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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lmfao come on
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter