ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”