Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”