Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin