I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.