(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Danger is very dangerous
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog