i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae