Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
jesus christ confetti not now
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.