one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Thank you corporation very cool
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?