Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.