Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze