Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS