Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Dance like you’re not the father
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀