Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.