4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.