The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
🤣
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.