Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*