“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
A double negative is a big no-no.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)