(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Note to self: I am a note
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Practicing safe sax
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?