*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Lmaoo 😂
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.