The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass