[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Shower sex be like:
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?