I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
monday
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now