Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.