Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Oh thanks BBC.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.