I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
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Given the amount of clowns around here you鈥檇 think it would be more entertaining
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven鈥檛 even started packing yet.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 馃槅馃槅
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i鈥檓 in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I doubt my humanity the most when I鈥檓 trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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