The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
marvel comics have peaked
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
welcome back
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.