Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Fiction has to make sense.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
WWE is French for “yes”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.