[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
me, too, girl. me, too.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.