The funk soul brother
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Meat Cute
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
happy valentine’s day to me
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop