Jupiter
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Love this guy
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.