If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
A Short Story.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.