If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.