5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.