My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
why am I working on Labor Day
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.