Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.