I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
absolutely not
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.