Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
black phone good
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.