have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.